last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
