I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
