People in love make me want to vomit
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
