my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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