Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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