I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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