I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
