Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
