we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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