Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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