It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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