Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize