I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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