At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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