if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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