How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
