my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If that was your dad, he is hot
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
