last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
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