I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
