I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
