I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
