that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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