My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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