just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
