Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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