Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
