I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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