I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize