mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
