I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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