I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
