That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
and you fell through a lawn chair
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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