I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
