Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
