roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
