I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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