If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
