is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize