I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
