They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
