Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
