i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
