The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
