I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
