Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
