I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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