Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
