Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
