I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
