I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
