If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
