Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
