I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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