Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
