actually, I'm a sock model
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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