i can't believe i had my finger in that
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
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