I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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