I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Be still, my beating vagina.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
