Screwed.edu
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
