youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize