Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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